I would
have forgotten that i own a blog by now… and how to write. Honestly, i have
never seen anyone writes anymore lol.
Since the
last entry in which i wrote on my last day of foundation, i am currently
completing my one last semester for degree; internship. Time surely went by too
fast and so much things happened in the span of 2 years. I would say, my degree
journey was wholesome. Those times were of exciting days, emotional roller
coaster rides and exhausting events. I have laughed a lot, cried a lot, cursed
a lot. I am no close to good, but all of those made who am i today. It happened
so that i constantly reminded that nothing stays with you, no matter how much
you fought over for. If it doesn’t mean to be yours, it wouldn’t be.
And by
having said that, there are a lot of untimely deaths reported in the news these
past days. Honestly, no one can understand the pain of losing someone who have
been a dear part of our lives, unless we have been through it. Personally, i
have gone through this years ago. My father had returned to The Creator in
2015, the year where i was sitting for SPM. I have been hiding this fact from
everyone because i just don’t feel the need to tell everyone i am fatherless. Besides,
i don’t want everyone to feel they need to be extra careful and sympathize when
they talk about their family in front of me. There’s always that kind of person
who does that. It is not bad but it wouldn’t make me comfortable either.
I feel
sorry that i had to hide from everyone about my father, but really, it is uncomfortable
to talk about how my father passed away, to see other people get uncomfortable
when the word “father” is mentioned in my presence. I would rather act like i
still had one and tell everyone about him, how he is at home, at work, as if he
was still around. Because honestly, it is better this way. Everything that have
been told about him were not lies, they were all facts. Things that really
happened but just not recently.
Deep in my
heart, this still pains me a lot. Especially when i am the youngest and was the
last person he talked to. He fetched me up from school as usual on a Friday
afternoon, i asked him why was he driving unsteadily. He said “i don’t know, its
been like this since in the office” and told me he wanted to take a nap before
Jumaat prayer. I let him be and stayed in my room, lying around. Until i heard a
faint voice calling my name, i came down only to see him collapsing on the
floor, shivering. Brought to the emergency right after and had a surgery due to
brain haemorrhage immediately. Later that night, our family was called by the surgeon,
informing us that he had a minor heart attack and told us to hope for miracle. He
returned to Allah 2 days after. On Nifsu Syaaban.
Part of me
was prepared for the worst, even on the day he was admitted. But another part
of me said no. I still need him, i tengah nak SPM. Dia kena ada with me, at
least until i graduated from my degree. He loved UiTM, it was not just his
workplace, it is his second home. I grew up listening to UiTM Dihatiku every day
at 6PM on radio, he would bring me to his office and everywhere around the uni
when i feel like skipping school, his colleagues and students knew me as he
introduced me to everyone. That is why i grew sentimental with the place, the
brand; because of him. But then, i thought i was greedy. If he is going to be
free from sufferings, why would i stop him to go?
Few weeks before he passed away, he was down with the fever.
One night, he asked me to sit next to him. He started to apologize for all the
wrongdoings he had done to me, which were too minor. I froze, trying to process
the words inside my head. I was always inexpressive at home, i held his hand
and placed my forehead on top of his. I went back to my room afterward, my head
started to think if he was to leave us anytime soon. I shrugged the thoughts
off and went to sleep. I woke up crying on a different night. I dreamt of going
to his funeral. I immediately checked him in the room and he was there, still
fast asleep. From that day onwards, the thought of him leaving never leaves my
mind. The night he passed away, I finally realized that God was trying to give
me a hint the other day so that i could be prepared.
People won’t
stop coming to my house since Maghrib until the burial time (Dhuha of the next
day). Through the night, Quranic verses never stopped coming out from everyone’s
lips. For the whole month, i could not wake up in the morning without feeling
emptier than ever. Ye lah, he was always the one who drive me to and fetch me
from school since I was 4 years old. Of course, it was hard for me to digest
that he was not around anymore. But as days go by, i don’t think it’s okay to
feel that way anymore. Instead, i should grow stronger and let him rest in love.
However, sometimes i can’t help but wonder what would he be like with his
granddaughters. Amanda would randomly look at the family picture and says “Atuk”
and it stings my heart when i heard her. Aisyah looks exactly like her father,
and her father looks similar to my father, which i don’t have to say anything
more.
After his
passing, i lost a little bit of my motivation so my SPM result wasn’t something
i could be proud of. However, i knew what i wanted. Not really a turning point,
but being in UiTM made me worked really hard because i wanted to make him proud,
also you know, the purple blood is running in me (ok i exaggerate a bit, but
metaphorically speaking). And eventually, i did pretty well at it. i hope he is
proud.
Honestly im
not exactly sure what’s the reason behind this write. With the news of people
passing every day, i just got reminded that I been through one too. Maybe i want
to tell everyone in the least awkward way. Anyway, i reaaaally don’t mind if
anyone wants to share about their fathers with me but i just don’t want to open
up about mine to everyone else. Especially after you read this. Please act
normal. I am much stronger now. It makes me feel bad for being used to live without
a father but somebody else never had a father to begin with, so im really thankful
that i got to experience having one. A good one, at it, too.
I hope this
becomes a reason to be good to your parents, because we never know. I know you’re
mad at them, but don’t let it be too long and always keep them in your prayers.
If you’re having bad terms with them, make efforts to reconcile again. Recite
Al-fatihah for them every night before you go to sleep. We are all not getting
younger. They say, people come and go when the time comes. The time can be
anytime.
